It’s November.
It’s been three months since my precious girl left this
world.
I “knew” this day would come, I have suffered the loss of a
child before. I “knew” the pain. ...We don’t know a thing.
I never thought I was prepared, but I sure did everything in
my human power to “prepare”.
I’ve posted in the previous blog entries how precious Bri was and the life I shared with my precious Brielle. I miss her everyday, every moment. My subconscious is always seeking for her. I call out her name, start walking for her room... and have separation anxiety from her room and our home.
I am not the same, I am not always okay.... but I always do rejoice knowing she is in the safest most awesome place. Heaven.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your
own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths
straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
This bible verse has been whispered in my ear by the Lord or
an angel as I go through this season of living without my precious girl.
There is no way I can get through these days of grief and desperation
without JESUS! He is my comforter.
I feared this season for so long. I had no idea how I
would survive it. Oh boy has the Lord shown up and shown off. In every aspect
of my life.
Bri was such a light, she was a little miracle, the Lord
really outdid himself giving me this amazing girl, choosing me as her mama.
These 3 months have been busy, and extremely life changing
for our family, this includes her parents, siblings, extended family, friends…
and her Coco (her bestfriend, her nurse)
In this blog I can only speak for myself as Brielle's mother.
Everyone has their own grief, emotions, and their own way of how they are
processing Bri’s loss.
As for her sisters and myself, we have started counseling,
and it has been a huge blessing for us. (So please if you have not done counseling
please do, and don’t wait until your child passes, or until you have time, it’s
priority!)
We talk about Bri a lot, we make sure she is still a part of
us in many ways. Bri was such a funny girl and her presence was huge! She had
the best sayings, phrases, nicknames for
others, and faces… she could say a lot just by a look, a stare, or just simply
looking away haha.
& well in this household we have pretty awesome
personalities so we repeat all her sayings and faces haha…. I came to realize
she got a lot of her shenanigans from me. I can be quite the character when I get annoyed,
or want to get a reaction from someone… of course my husband helped pointing out
my “kookoo baby” personality… and well I’m just gonna own it!
We have had such amazing support, you know the saying you
know who your people are when poop hits the fan. We are beyond grateful for
everyone that has poured their love and support. So thank you! Thank you!
There are moments when I feel completely numb, and I know my
mind is in defense, it doesn’t want me to feel any sort of emotion. So I get
busy. But then boom something gets me and I cry, and I hold her things and cry some more… but usually I cry and then laugh
hysterically. I don’t know why but its been a combination. Like I said the Lord
knew what he was doing with that kid. She was hilarious, I automatically remember
something funny. I just remembered this... when I would laugh hysterically she
would “fake laugh” with me, and if she was annoyed by me she would say “TOP IT
MOMMY” “GO TIMEOUT” and roll her eyes
and look away. Hahaha!
If you know me personally, I am a natural jokester and find
many things and people amusing. Thank you Lord for that, what a great blessing.
Bri's Trip:
This amazing event we did in memory of our precious Brielle, it took a while for me to process and take in. I just took my time to process it
all.
We went on a 5,020 mile road trip with our family did it in 8
days. Yep! 8 days 5,020 miles.
Back story… to this trip!
(sorry if I already lost you as a reader, but it’s my blog
and I want myself and my kids to read this one day. If you are still hanging in
there.. you rock!)
So when Aaron (my husband) and I started getting to know
each other, I would tell him anything and everything under the sun to scare
him away from loving me and wanting to be with me. One of them was because of Bri, it was
just a lot for someone to sign up for. Of course he’s an extremely
stubborn man and wanted everything to do with Bri! She was the icing to the
cake!
Well one of the things I told him was when she passes I don’t
know what will be of me, so Ashley, Bella and I will go on a trip and
ditch everything and everyone. HA! Definitely did not happen…. Because the LORD
worked on this bitter heart over the years and did amazing things!
So after Bri passed, all her things were all over the house
and well if you’ve been to our house, seen pics or live this life…. Bri’s stuff
took over this house, and of course it’d be pretty impossible to ever part with
her things after losing her. Well… Aaron surprised me by reminding me of that one thing I said a few years ago. “you know how you said you
were going to go on a trip after Bri passed, well we are, we are going to
deliver all her stuff to other I-Cell children” … so we planned
this grand trip during the kids fall break. It was a Midwest trip, I believe we
covered 13 states. I got to see some of my people... some very close friends that I consider family, they also have I-cell babies, and met them through this journey.
(I will post all pics on FB) We got to see 5 I-cell
babies. Nahyeli in Texas, Blakely in Illinois, Aubrey in Illinois, Reese in
Michigan, and Loretta in Indiana, Loretta is sisters with Joanna and Twila who
have also left us.
It was the most amazing trip I have done.
So lets go back a
little to the preparation of the trip.
I gathered all of Bri’s Medical supplies,
gear, and mobility equipment (wheelchairs, chairs, walkers etc). Although it
was a very emotional task to take on. It was so good for me and our family. I got
to touch all her stuff, sort them, and honestly it was nice to get rid of those
things. Although those things helped maximize her life, and I am truly grateful
for it all. It was a love/hate feeling towards it. and well knowing I’d be blessing
these babies was a great motivator to choose each thing for each child and pack
it up.
We filled up a trailer with her stuff and headed out.
September 25th-Octobet 2nd, 2021. I keep calling it Bri’s
trip... so it’s staying that way.
( I will post pics and details on facebook)
So yes, we are in November and I have yet to post it on
social media... like I said it was a lot to process!
I couldn’t really get myself to
see the pictures of the trip. When we got back home all her equipment was gone,
it was very hard for me to process that. I felt good about blessing others of
course, but I just knew I had to take it all in slowly.
Jumped into something else right after getting back too.. Bella
asked if she could move into Bri’s room. Which I thought was a good idea and
we all felt good about the decision. But like I said Bri took over this house,
she had a lot of stuff. Only medical stuff and equipment was gone. Her drawers and closet were still full of all her things.
Clothes, toys, meds, things.. lots of things! Bri and her Coco were packrats haha!
Well I had a big part of it… we could just not part with many things.
Bella and I did a great job in keeping Bri’s things and
memory in her room but still make it Bella’s room. We are very happy with the
outcome.
The fist night was very hard. After I tucked Bella into bed,
and turned off the lights, she saw all the cracks of light just like she did
when she would sleep with Bri, when she asked her to sleep with her. I went in there
with her and we cried our little hearts out. The next day I rearranged her bed
and now it's perfect!
I liked using Bri’s room for meetings with my girls, or when
they just want to talk and have some comfort and privacy.
Thankfully, it's still the room of comfort! We like that! I
may need to get a full bed in there because the whole Ashley, Bella and mom trying to cuddle in that small twin bed is not working anymore with these tall girls. (:
After I moved Bella into Bri’s room. I made Bella’s room
my office. I started a new business, and will be starting school in the near
future. So I needed my MAMA CAVE. Plus, I needed to have a place where I have some
of Bri’s special things displayed and can look at everyday. (: I have her little hammer near by incase I need
to hammer someone’s teeth… bahaha!
Well my mama cave is about ready. So I took on another thing... most of Bri’s closet was full of toys, so Bella and I just went through
all millions of toys she had and sorted them. Yes we kept a lot but we were able to get
rid of a tiny bit… hey its something. We had many funny moments, it
was good for us. What I thought was cute and funny and didn’t say anything to
Bella,... but she started reclaiming toys Bri had taken from her or she had gifted
her. Super sweet! So Bella has a closet she can use now. The whole top her closet is
full of Bri’s toys that our grandbabies will one day use.
I still have her clothes, pictures and many momentous… but
that will need to wait for another time. I am not rushing it, just doing it as it comes.
I wrote a lot and don’t feel like proof reading. So please
forgive me, if something is misspelled or doesn’t make sense.
I just had to write.
Brielle’s Birthday is coming up 11/12 … man I miss typing
11/12/12... I actually had to do it a lot!
What a special day! The day my forever baby was born!
